Q. KVW was that you onstage at the Nitey’s with Supervisor Scott Weiner? I thought you, Odessa Lil, and Shecky Davis Jr., were on the Castro Theater’s No Fly List after the Sing Along Sound of Music Incident of 2012. How did you pull that off?
A. Here are the events that occurred on the night of the Niteys. Odessa Lil and Shecky Davis Jr. were drunk or high (I don’t judge) on Monday and came over to my hotel in the Castro where I was entertaining. They insisted that I crash The San Francisco’s Entertainment Commission’s Nitey Awards with them. I responded that there is not enough coke in the world to make me think this is a good idea and they cold cocked me. I woke up in a car wearing a sequin gown and full glamor makeup. There was a bag of coke on my lap. It was a large bag. I guess I was wrong.
On the ride down Market Street from Sanchez they concocted an ill advised seven-part plan to put me on the stage to present the Best Weiner Award (a.k.a. the best Gay Dance Club). The ride took longer than expected because they were arguing about whether or not it’s ok to take a left hand turn from Market Street to Castro and we missed the turn. We got lost in Twin Peaks for a while.
There are seven steps to their plan but the thinking is so circular that several of the steps were repeated, so I will paraphrase it: Crash the Niteys by sneaking in through the back alley service entrance. Act like we belong. Get me onstage with my arch nemesis Scott Weiner, without engaging him in battle, while convincing him that making a joke of his name is a good thing. Present the award. Bask in the glory.
Everything went according to plan until the final step. Moments after I presented the award, Odessa Lil gloating at the culmination of her evil plan, managed to knock a precariously balanced ice sculpture (donated by Stoli) into Greg Suhr, the chief of police’s groin, and then did a face plant into Sister Roma’s chest. This was VERY fortunate because she could have chipped a tooth otherwise. Also Sister Roma wears black so Odessa’s makeup did not stain her costume. It actually took the shine right off Odessa’s face and had a mattifying effect, although it did smear her lipstick. The room went silent after Odessa bumped into the ice sculpture, which lurched off the table and sprang at Chief Suhr’s balls, deflecting off like a trampoline of pain. His pants must be as tight as a drum or he is packing some true heat. The San Francisco Chief of Police, having balls of steel even in the face of having a 40 pound block of ice bounce off his man parts, quickly decided it was time for us to take the party home.
Speakeasily’s no fly order for the Castro Theater has been updated to include the new 2014 Nitey Awards Incident.