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Klingon Vanna White Speaks! Dear Mr. Publick.

Dearest Mr. Jackson Publick,

It was a great pleasure to meet you at San Diego Comic Con. I would like to address your question, “What is up with you and your hair?” When you first asked this question I was worried that you were sick and had a death wish. I was alarmed that you felt the need to bring an Urbaniak and your Doctor to a Convention. I was later assured that the Urbaniak was not some sort of city bound maniac. At the behest of my friends I have since watched “Henry Fool” and am now hip to the Ubaniak’s status as a cult film star and occasional voice actor.

Your childlike curiousity about all things Klingon is not new to me. However the origin of Klingon Hair is a much guarded secret that I am willing to share…with you.

Klingon hair is not like human hair. Klingon hair is not restricted by your paltry earth gravity. Even though Earth gravity does seem pretty strong when the carrying of cat litter is involved. I used to go out to buy cat litter but I kept breaking the straps on my tokidoki shopping bags. They simply weren't designed to hold 45 pounds of cat litter three times a week. I now get my cat litter delivered via Amazon prime. Once it said it was delivered and I looked outside and there was a trail of cat litter up the two flights stairs but no box. The next day the box was delivered but left at the bottom of the steps. The UPS human hates me.

Oh there’s the delivery now!

It is a little known fact that all Klingons wear wigs. It is the only way to get the hairline right. Because of our large foreheads and our need to constantly be in action, we Klingons are always running into things and scaring up our heads. It is like a battlefield under there. Before I was 7 I was already missing half of my hair.

Also, if Klingons were forced to wear their own hair there would be a lot more redheads running around in blackface. (I hate Gingers.)

Much like the sad strip clubs at truck stops were it's ok to wear sweatpants Klingon wigs also make a tent to protect Klingon boney forehead. They expand and contract as needed. (Sweatpants Ok.)

All my wigs are made out of my extra pubic hair. But sometimes it's too expensive to go to Brazil. So I use llamas. Anyway it's hard to get the wax out of the pubic hair, it’s like a cornucopia of genitalia down there with my prodigious klingdong and all my labias. Getting zipped into my latex cat woman suit is like walking a minefield. Anyways, Llamas are way more convenient even if you have to climb a ways to get the right one….Ah the tundra.

Well I hope that answers your question. Feel free to ask me any other questions about Klingons that you were always curious about but were afraid to ask.

Love, Klingon Vanna White.

PS. I suspect that the other guy sitting next to you is not really a doctor.

#venturebrothers #dochammer #jacksonpublick #jamesurbaniak #speakeasily #sdcc14 #sandiegocomiccon

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