Klingon Vanna White The time I was the 1% at the Walker Stalker Convention


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Date 2/1/15

Place Fort Mason San Francisco, CA

Time started 9am

Convention Walker Stalker

I, Klingon Vanna White, am a major consumer of all things Walking Dead. I appreciate the core survivor group’s zest for survival and their battle techniques even though there is an unnecessary lack of glamour.

My companion scored VIP tickets for the Walker Stalker Convention on the Groupon. It was so cheap it would be crazy not to go. VIP entrance was at 9am, an hour and a half before general admission. We arrived to see a huge line waiting to get in. We were waved to the left and walked all the way to the front. A woman asked to see our ticket and marked it as redeemed, gave us laminates and we were in. We never stopped walking. Our introduction to this artfully orchestrated fleecing was ridiculously fast.

Once inside we were greeted with merch tables. Yawn. To the left there was a row of signings by actors from the show that stretched down the side of the hall. Squee! We had brought aspirational figures in the form of small dolls in shapes of the various characters to have the actors sign. The dolls are sealed in plastic to prevent children from playing with them. We display them on a ledge 10 feet up in the air in our abode.

The Governor (David Morrissey) is a lovely nice gentleman for such a baddie. His ex squeeze Andrea (Laurie Holden) walked up while we were in line to give him a kiss. I guess she forgives him for shanking her and leaving her for zombie fodder. He was wearing designer sunglasses and a very chic slate cargo jacket.

Andrea was wearing a wide brimmed fedora and a Clint Eastwoodesque Poncho. She is the most aggressively pretty woman I have ever seen. She totally eye fucked me. She is absolutely shameless with the eye fucking. It is unnerving and riveting. She looks into your eyes and locks her gaze and you’re all thinking, “OMG are we like doing this? I guess we are.” And then you look away because it’s actually kind of uncomfortable and wow she’s already eye fucking someone else already.

She walked around with a handler and a security guard giving people a chance to witness her flawless skin and gigantic orb like cornflower blue eyes while they cheered and swooned at her prettiness. I literally told her I love her. I still do. She’s already forgotten our moment. She’s a tantric eye fucking witch goddess dressed like Clint Eastwood. I didn’t even get to tell her how upset I was when they set her on fire in Silent Hill. Very few can pull off looking good in cop pants like she did in Silent Hill. And then Alice Krieg, the borg queen, set her on fire. Bitch! Meanwhile Rahda Mitchell is all “boohoohoo save my daughter who is the living embodiment of Satan so I can live with her in a cold grey world and forget I was the antihero in Pitch Black!”. But I’ll save all this for my “Why Silent Hill is Dark Feminist Comedy disguised as Horror” essay. Back to Walking Dead Walker Stalker:

In contrast when Steven Yuen aka Glenn came in people cheered like maniacs and he looked scared. He stopped in his tracks and looked up like he had made a puddle. Maybe it was too early for that shit. But the event is named “Stalker” so it brought the freaks out.

We also got a photo signed by one of the Governor’s crew, Travis Love. He is a lovely man with a big smile that totally made us forget that he played a gun toting psychotic killer henchman. Again with the gorgeous skin. I have never seen so many warriors with such beautiful skin.

Robert Englund did a talk outside and told a story about how his greatest fan was a woman who cross dressed as his character and would show up at events. She would write to him and share stories. He convinced her to channel her creativity away from Freddy Krueger Cross Dressing to become a Script Doctor. That’s what she does today.

Strangely the hipster Dr. Who aka Matt Smith and his Companion Nebula aka Karen Gillan were also there. Time travelers, what can you do? They’re like everywhere. Now. And then.

Jon Berenthal (Shane) misspelled my name as Idra. I said that it’s my mom’s fault that she didn’t name me Becky. I didn’t tell him that I would spell Becky as “Bequey” though due to my tenure as a Gothic Clog Dancer. I still stomp my feet rhythmically when I hear King Volcano. Jon wore a trucker cap with a black hoodie, hood up, over it. He’s a gorgeous guy and way more pretty in person than you would expect. He was very nice. We took a photo with him and his prettiness had a temporary beautifying effect on us. He wears too many accessories at once to avoid shocking people. I can see why Andrea would do him, even in a compact car.

Chandler Riggs charged the most for Autographs $60. At the age of 15 he has gone to the William Shatner school of autograph signing. He was polite, strictly business, and extremely efficient. I think he’s probably a weird kid who secretly collects souvenier thimbles.

We met Darryl Dixon’s brother Merle, played by Michael Rooker. He was wearing a couture fedora and unusual gold framed sun glasses. We only paid for an autograph but he came out and gave us a free hug. He’s kind of amazing. I repaid him by stepping on his foot in my close toed clod hoppers that I wore to hide how I had trimmed my man feet toe nails with a weed whacker. When you have a hangnail sometimes you just have to grab the nearest weapon.

Throughout all of this we had VIP passes and were able to fast track all the lines. We were able to spend an embarrassing amount of money in a short time and meet some of our favorite characters. The General Admission was oversold and there were still Hall H style lines at 1pm to get in when we were leaving. It kind of made me feel crappy in comparison to our elite experience. Tomorrow we will go and back and see if Stephen Yuen has recovered so we can have him sign his dolly, watch a panel with Michael Rooker.

OMG PENNY DREADFUL teaser on the TAY VAY!

So second day and derp I guess Steven Yeun and Emily Kinney are football fans and didn’t show up. We didn’t notice that they were on the schedule for only one day.

An unexpected bonus for the Super Bowl day is that there seemed to be MUCH LESS of a crowd. We were able to get Hershel aka Scott Wilson’s autograph and Tyreese aka Chad Coleman’s signatures on our Walking Dead Aspirational figures.

Laurie was back from the Dead after becoming Zombified after having baby Judith via a pocket knife Cesarean and then killed by her first born Carl like the most fffed up greek tragedy ever. She spoke on a stage outside and was reminiscing about what it was like to be on set early to learn the Georgia dialect and having Jon Berenthal and Andrew Lincoln there too. It was a three way love fest. She then talked about some advice she gave her fake first born Carl aka Chandler Riggs. She told him to go to school and take up engineering and get out of the nastiness of show biz. As a person who has seen the nastiness of the Tech Industry I think he’s doing OK where he is.

All in all it was a whirlwind weekend of Walking Dead. Now let me get to that essay on “Why Silent Hill is Dark Feminist Comedy Disguised as Horror”.

#walkingdead #laurieholden #klingonvannawhite #speakeasily

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