Sex tape? I was hacked!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
I want to respond to the uproar over the events that took place when an unnamed companion and I went to Vacaville, to attend an advanced felting workshop, and the unfortunate video that was posted on the Internet.
I know that in the shaky night vision video it looks like my Klingdong ejaculated an unbelievable amount of alien spunk. If the video quality was better you would see that it is actually the hotel room hairdryer and an ill-timed corking of a bottle of champagne. I know that the contents washed over my companion’s face and chest, but that was champagne, not spooge. Things like this happen all the time at ladies pillow fight slumber parties and yet the Internet has chosen to freak out about us.
Upon looking at the stolen personal video released by “AlienFapFap” and “TribbleNympho69”, I admit that it really does look like I am pile driving my companion, but I don't have the upper body strength to do that for twenty minutes. I've tried. And actually pile driving is when the catcher raises their hips while the pitcher stands and porks the catcher. This video looks like a reverse cowgirl handstand with Tuvan throat singing and freestyle arm flourishes. I appear to be standing on a crate so I'm tall enough to access my companion’s alien junk, which can be described as a cloaca with a second brain. But that's not really what's happening. Actually the hotel’s cat, Mr. Knickers, knocked over the camera at the exact moment we both lost our contacts and fell to the floor to retrieve them while wearing mittens. For twenty minutes. While making whale sounds.
Interestingly studies have shown compelling data that suggests the second brain in alien cloaca is there to interview semen deposits so it can decide if it wants to reproduce. I can't stand rejection so I always pull out and aim for something that looks like a face.
But anyway I hope this clears up any confusion and I just want to give a shout out to Becky Whittaker for teaching such a great in depth needle felting workshop. It makes me wish we weren't in such a rush to get back to the hotel room and had stuck around for the nuno felting class too. I’ll be back in the fall for your knitting class!
Sincerely, Klingon Vanna White